I always wanted to use the things that hurt me in a creatively binding way. Somehow, I imagined myself to be good and to be striving to write the next big thing, using the traumas and insecurities I had as a way of writing, and hopefully to transcend the feeling that I had to words on a page.
I wrote book after book, story after story, but nothing quite worked for me. What felt in the beginning as hope and bliss to finish writing a story, now turned into a sad, depressing mood every time I would publish something new. All because of the mist that surrounds that success. All your previous failures are dissipating and your new opera will shine brighter than anything else so far and it will be the foundation of you quitting your job, starting something for yourself, the career you have always seen in movies but never could experience ever.
Last day I finished my latest story, The Terrible Encounters of Mr. Razdraz, it’s more like a journal in which I used my traumas and my mild depression and dark thoughts I had over the years, the type of thoughts that never let you sleep at night, that wants you to end it because you are not enough, you could never be enough. But I think I am just there, leaving those dark dreams into the mist of my brain, and expelling them into my works, leaving them as crumbles of bread for the others who feel the same, to know that they are not alone.
I will share some pages of the journal, you can find it on Amazon. Hopefully those days I will manage to get it reviewed for paperback, but until then, this is it in digital format.
There are around 90 pages, 93 with the introduction. It’s a different kind of work and the most intimate I made so far, drawing every single page with my XP-Pen I got last Christmas as a gift to myself. I never actually got to use it except for two pixel arts, so this was like a trial for me to become a better creative person, I don’t think that I am an artist, and I don’t think I can ever be, but hopefully, I will continue to be me and leave the mist behind in my books.
Thank you.